


Oculi

by gyunikum



Category: K-pop, VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Established Ken/Leo, M/M, half of this thing is just taekwoon's inner turmoil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 16:11:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7581037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyunikum/pseuds/gyunikum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taekwoon finds a type of disconnection within himself, but it helps him realize that instead of participating, he’d rather just watch them.</p>
<p><i>Oculi</i>, noun [plural form of Latin '<i>oculus</i>', meaning eye]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oculi

**Author's Note:**

> i have started this monster in _early december_ , and over the months of struggling to find the direction the fic has lost while i wrote more to it, i began to hate this with my being.

 

 

At first, Taekwoon thinks it’s just because he’s exhausted. It’s nothing weird, out of ordinary.

But that would mean that he’s been tired for the past few weeks, which is not exactly true. He’s been tired on and off since he’d begun as a trainee, but it’s been so long that his body is used to that kind of exhaustion.

He’s not— he’s not more tired than what he usually is.

But then what is it?

Why does the thought of it leave an ominous feeling in his chest that there’s more to it?

 

Jaehwan’s lips are the soft pillows Taekwoon can let his head sink into, and his tongue is the scalding hot stream of water that reaches every inch of his body, and his teeth are the chilly bite of winter breeze, and his fingertips, oh god, his fingertips leave invisible disasters on Taekwoon’s skin—

The moment the door to their hotel room closes, Jaehwan’s eyes flash in Taekwoon’s direction, and Taekwoon knows what it means by now but he’s too drained for that, so before Jaehwan could open his mouth – sometimes Taekwoon is convinced that Jaehwan’s lips are just swollen from talking all the time, and that’s why they are so big –, he grabs a towel and shuts himself in the spacious bathroom without a word.

Even though Jaehwan is not there with him in the shower, Taekwoon can feel Jaehwan’s fingers coating his body with soap, grazing Taekwoon’s burning skin with his blunt nails that Jaehwan likes to dig deep into his muscles to squeeze ragged moans out of Taekwoon’s throat, and he feels them on his chest, on his sides, on his hips, around his inner thighs.

And before he knows it, there’s someone else in the shower cabin with them, the originally large space quickly becoming crowded, but Taekwoon can’t make out his face yet as he focuses on the way the dark skin glints, covered in beads of water.

Jaehwan abandons Taekwoon in a blink of an eye for the intruder, pushing Taekwoon out of the way, and Taekwoon lets out a deep sigh as he watches their skins slide against each other, slick with water and soap, glad for the cold of the wall tiles seeping into his back.

He imagines Jaehwan slipping a few times as he tries to coax Hakyeon into—

Oh god, it’s Hakyeon.

It’s Hakyeon. HakyeonHakyeon _Hakyeon_ —

Taekwoon’s mind chants Hakyeon’s name as the older man finally gives in and lets Jaehwan’s full lips wrap around him. And Hakyeon’s moan is muffled and faint because it’s been a long time since Taekwoon has heard Hakyeon jerk himself off in the bathroom, but it’s a sound that he will never forget completely.

He watches Hakyeon’s throat bobble up and down like a wave on an angry sea, and Taekwoon’s mind takes memories from different times to create Hakyeon’s scrunched up face and open mouth in a silent ‘o’ as he grabs Jaehwan’s hair to dictate the pace Taekwoon imagines he would like.

Something tight coils almost painfully in Taekwoon’s lower stomach, but then everything is gone in an instant when a knock comes from the door.

“Taekwoon-ah?”

Jaehwan sounds impatient but Taekwoon can hear the worry hiding underneath it.

Taekwoon swallows and levels his voice before opening his mouth to tell the other man that the door is open.

A shiver runs through his body when he hears Jaehwan enter without waiting even a second, and Taekwoon quickly turns away from the entrance of the shower to hide his erection. His stomach squeezes when he hears the rustling of Jaehwan’s clothes, the younger man undressing quickly.

Jaehwan greets Taekwoon by pressing a feather-light kiss on his shoulder as if to coax Taekwoon into turning around and looking into his eyes.

“Have I been in here for long?” Taekwoon asks quietly, because he honestly can’t tell. His fingertips are only starting to become wrinkled. He braces himself against the wall, head out of the way of the shower stream. Out of the warmth of the water, his skin erupts with goosebumps, but it might be mostly due to the feeling of Jaehwan being half-hard against his ass.

“Dunno,” Jaehwan murmurs into his skin and slowly snakes his arms around Taekwoon’s torso to see if the older man is in the mood for it. Jaehwan moves his hips slowly, dragging his hands down Taekwoon’s body, stopping on his hipbones.

Taekwoon lets Jaehwan embrace him because he thinks he wouldn’t be able to go on without feeling Jaehwan’s presence physically. He feels like he needs to be assured that Jaehwan is indeed with him, and it’s not just his mind projecting the boy’s image, playing with him.

“You’ve been unusually quiet the last few days,” Jaehwan admits with a strain to his voice. His fingertips brush lightly over the underside of Taekwoon’s belly, the touch so light, so teasing, so maddening, and Taekwoon’s stomach pulls back on its own.

“I’m just tired,” Taekwoon replies automatically. The words come out on their own as if the question was a finger pushing the play button to a recording. It’s a weak excuse because exhaustion is present in every member, following them around like a second shadow, but he can’t think straight, not right now.

There’s a battle raging between his lust and something else that sits heavily on Taekwoon’s shoulders and chest.

“Not just that,” Jaehwan counters, and at times like this Taekwoon hates the younger man’s ability of calling out everyone on their bullshit. Jaehwan buries his nose into the crook of Taekwoon’s neck, and for a moment Taekwoon wonders how it would play out if there was a bigger height difference between them.

“I can—” Jaehwan says, and takes a deep breath, intentionally making it loud, “—smell it,” he jokes and Taekwoon doesn’t fight the smile that threatens to stretch his lips.

“And something else too,” the younger man continues in a quieter manner, almost whispering into Taekwoon’s ears, and Taekwoon turns his head a bit to the side to see Jaehwan’s half lidded eyes staring at his hard cock.

At Taekwoon’s silence, Jaehwan wraps two fingers around him loosely, and it’s enough to make Taekwoon’s knees turn into jelly. With Jaehwan’s hand, it always feels different, more exhilarating, better, perfect.

Maybe Taekwoon is tired of perfection.

Jaehwan jerks him off in the shower, and then he straddles Taekwoon’s hips on his bed after they get out of the bathroom, and he hovers above Taekwoon with his palms on each side of the older man’s head. Water drips from his nose onto Taekwoon’s neck as Jaehwan stares at the man underneath him, and he savors the sight in front of his eyes as much as he can, as if he was a professional tasting the finest wine on the world.

The turn of his head comes naturally to Taekwoon when he feels Jaehwan lean in, and he only needs one peck on his lips to open his mouth for Jaehwan’s tongue.

But in the edge of Taekwoon’s consciousness, there’s a blurred shape so familiar to Taekwoon that the name is on the tip of his tongue until Jaehwan steals it with a gentle bite on his lower lip.

Taekwoon relaxes his body as he lets his mind wander deeper in search for the name, running after the figure as it becomes fainter and fainter, succumbing to the darkness of his sub-conscious.

“Taekwoon-ah.” A break. “Hyung,” Jaehwan’s voice feels like strong fingers wrapped around his neck as he pulls Taekwoon out of his reverie.

“What’s wrong?” he asks with concern, and glances at Taekwoon with glazed eyes, his lips swollen and wet, and Taekwoon feels his stomach squeeze with the urge to keep going, to give back everything and more, but his chest feels like as if it was being filled with something thick that kept Taekwoon from acting on his brain’s command.

“Jaehwan-ah,” Taekwoon sighs, turning his head to the side, and stares at the drawn curtains and the shadows between its waves the bedside lamp casts on them. It’s as if they were moving. Taekwoon shuts his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I can’t— I can’t do it right now,” he admits as he looks Jaehwan in the eyes, and it’s a clear message. He feels guilty when Jaehwan just nods with a strained smile, it’s not the first time – and certainly not the last –, and Jaehwan should be used to it, but Taekwoon knows that the other can’t help the frustrated exhale that escapes his lungs as he climbs off Taekwoon’s bed to put on a pair of sweatpants to sleep in.

Taekwoon sits up as well, his back facing Jaehwan’s back, and sweeps his gaze over his naked body before reaching for his sleeping attire.

He listens to Jaehwan take a long shower and crosses his legs tightly, trying hard not to let Jaehwan’s moans get to him, and when the other man comes out, Taekwoon pretends to be asleep. He listens to Jaehwan tapping on his phone for a bit in the darkness, listens to the music Jaehwan plays, and then he listens to Jaehwan’s breathing even out as the man falls asleep, and it’s not long before the continuous noise lulls Taekwoon to slumber as well.

He dreams of Jaehwan fucking Hakyeon in the filthiest positions his mind can muster up, and he dreams of Hakyeon fighting Jaehwan for dominance, wrestling and biting, holding necks and heads and wrists, and Taekwoon wakes up to the uncomfortable sensation of his pants wet, soiled by his shame.

He checks the time, it hasn’t even been an hour since he went to sleep, and he sighs exasperatedly. His body refuses the command to get up, but he climbs out from under the blankets eventually to discard his ruined clothes.

Settling back into the bed in a fresh pair of boxers, he checks his phone again and decides to scroll through the photos to force his eyes back to exhaustion. His finger freezes, refusing to obey Taekwoon’s commands, over a haphazard photo of a half-naked Jaehwan teasing Hakyeon in a white tank top, wet from the sweat of long hours of dance practice.

He remembers taking this photo, but he doesn’t know why it’s the first one the gallery displays when he opens the application.

It’s not their bodies that make Taekwoon’s stomach churn with want, but their mussed up hair, sweaty faces and exhausted yet bright grins, and maybe, maybe Taekwoon—

He shakes his head and tries to pull up the memory instead, but the only thing he can remember about that moment is the feeling of shame at the way he tried to take the photo without anyone noticing. To this day he still doesn’t know if Sanghyuk has actually seen it, or it was something else on his mind that made the youngest member narrow his eyes in Taekwoon’s general direction.

He locks the phone and imagines the contrast of his white hand on Hakyeon’s dark, beautiful skin. He swallows a lump in his throat and turns on his side to look at Jaehwan, secretly hoping to see the boy’s sleeping face and open mouth, maybe even drooling. It’s a tempting image, always enough to ground Taekwoon.

That’s when Taekwoon realizes that he doesn’t hear anything apart from his own breathing, and he waits for his eyes to get used to the darkness to see Jaehwan’s bed empty.

The haze of sleepiness clears from his mind a bit at the realization, and Taekwoon shifts in his position to lean over the small gap between their beds and make sure of Jaehwan’s absence with his hands, phone forgotten on the bedside table.

He can’t help but feel guilty, even though there are many other reasons in his head as to why Jaehwan is not in his bed, catching some well-needed rest when all he wants these days is to – quoting Jaehwan himself – sleep until the next century.

His mind tells him these are just excuses so Taekwoon wouldn’t have to face the consequences of his words, and they become his lullaby into a dreamless sleep.

 

For the next few days they barely talk to each other, with mostly Jaehwan avoiding to be left alone with Taekwoon, and Taekwoon not knowing whether to wait for Jaehwan to cool off or attempt to apologize, so he just keeps quiet instead.

It’s not like the others know they fuck each other whenever the two get the chance to be alone, and they see no oddity in it when Taekwoon closes everything out from time to time, and Jaehwan is really good at masking his emotions, covering his true feelings by being loud and obnoxious, but five days is more than enough for Hakyeon to catch up and finally corner Taekwoon in the studio.

“Ah, hey,” Taekwoon greets him as he glances at Hakyeon, and places the headphones back to listen to the instrumental of their new song again. In his peripheral vision, he sees Hakyeon walking around the small room for a full minute until the leader decides that he’s given Taekwoon enough time to prepare himself.

“Taekwoon-ah, I need to talk to you about something,” Hakyeon says with a soft expression on his face after he hooks his fingers into the headphones and pulls them off.

“About what?” Taekwoon asks, turning away from the table to face the older man.

Hakyeon scrunches his face in a way that nobody else but Taekwoon is able to read; it shows that Hakyeon doesn't really want to do it, but he has to for the greater good, whatever it might be this time. Others would say it’s because Hakyeon is the leader and it’s his responsibility, but Taekwoon knows better than that.

Hakyeon does it not because he’s the team’s leader, but because Hakyeon is the friend who can read Taekwoon like an open book, as cliché as it sounds.

"You haven't been talking with Jaehwan-ah?” And it’s more of a statement than a question, because the expression on Hakyeon’s face tells Taekwoon that he doesn’t need confirmation from Taekwoon.

"I have," Taekwoon replies too quickly while trying to level his voice and Hakyeon pulls his mouth into a tight line before plopping down on a chair next to Taekwoon so they can be face to face level.

"Don't bullshit me Jung Taekwoon," Hakyeon says in a hard tone and the hair on Taekwoon's arms stand up. Taekwoon realizes that the reason for the shiver that runs through his spine is something entirely different this time.

"You know you're allowed to have arguments,” Hakyeon states with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and Taekwoon knows that very well, because people can argue with their own family members and even their best friends, but he doesn’t understand why Hakyeon is mentioning it.

“It’s nothing big,” Taekwoon lies blatantly, refusing to look away from Hakyeon’s stare. The contest goes on until the older man exhales, as if he was standing on the edge between patience and impatience.

“The fans don’t think so,” Hakyeon shakes his head as he pulls his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it. He continues without looking at Taekwoon, eyes trained at the screen, “The interview we recorded after we got back to Seoul was released yesterday, and there’s…” he shows the comments on an article with some click-bait headline about Leo’s and Ken’s awkward interactions during the whole interview, and Taekwoon has to strain his arm not to knock the phone out of Hakyeon’s hand. He swallows the violence flaring up in his muscles.

“You know they always read too much into it,” Taekwoon retorts, almost whines, his calmness cracking, while sweeping over the comments with his eyes before he takes Hakyeon’s phone from his hand and places it on the desk between them so he wouldn’t have to look at it anymore.

“I told the director that I’d talk to you about it,” Hakyeon admits after a few moments of hesitation, and Taekwoon can see the internal fight on his face, clearly.

“I’ll just post a photo with Jaehwan or something, then,” Taekwoon nods and stands up, because he’s done talking about Jaehwan and how the fans think they always know better than them.

Before he could exit the studio, however, Hakyeon’s voice stops him in his tracks, Taekwoon’s hand frozen on the doorknob.

“Taekwoon-ah,” he says in that weird tone that Taekwoon can’t place anywhere, not even after five years of friendship. “I know about the two of you.”

Taekwoon’s eyes jump to the mirror behind him, and stares into Hakyeon’s eyes through the reflection. He narrows his eyes. Shit, there’s no reason denying it with Hakyeon, Taekwoon knows.

Still, it’s worth a shot.

“What are you talking about,” Taekwoon steps away from the door to face Hakyeon fully. He watches as the man stands up and takes a step closer to him. The considerably spacious room suddenly begins to feel crowded, something fills Taekwoon’s lungs and it feels clammy, making it hard to breathe.

Hakyeon’s face contorts, like he doesn’t want to show Taekwoon that he pities him for some reason. Taekwoon doesn’t know why Hakyeon would pity him.

“I’ve known from the beginning, but I never said anything…” Hakyeon trails off, the look in his eyes unreadable.

Taekwoon frowns and lets out a curse under his breath.

They’ve been so careful. So careful not to get caught.

“Taekwoon-ah, it’s okay,” Hakyeon sighs. “I’m not sure whether the others know, but we would never judge you. I would never,” and he places a hand on Taekwoon’s shoulder the moment Taekwoon lets himself to slouch, and then he’s on the floor with his face buried in his palms. Hakyeon follows him to the ground, crouching next to him.

“We’ve been so—so careful,” Taekwoon stutters as he gulps the air, suddenly feeling as if there was something clogging his throat. As if the knowledge was strong fingers wrapped around his neck, strangling him.

“You’ve been very careful,” Hakyeon agrees as he pulls Taekwoon into a tight embrace, one arm around his shoulders and the other snaking across Taekwoon’s chest. His face is so close to Taekwoon, but Taekwoon can’t focus on the proximity, not now.

“I’m sorry.” It comes out as a pathetic choke, and Taekwoon wants to kick himself for sounding so weak.

“It’s okay,” Hakyeon reassures again, tightening his arms around the other man. “I just… It’s okay as long as it doesn’t interfere with your work, and… but—”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Taekwoon nods his head, and still refuses to look at Hakyeon. He doesn’t think he could look at Hakyeon right now. It’s too embarrassing.

Taekwoon feels like he’s suffocating.

He takes a deep exhale, but it’s as if there was a black hole in his lungs, and it’s absorbing everything right away.

“You gotta talk to Jaehwan and settle your disputes soon,” Hakyeon offers in a soft voice, his caring side showing. Taekwoon can feel Hakyeon’s fingers petting his greasy hair, and in that moment all Taekwoon wants to do is cuddle Hakyeon, to fall asleep right there in that uncomfortable position, and he doesn’t understand why his heart yearns for such a thing.

He doesn’t understand why his heart misses a beat when Taekwoon imagines Jaehwan there as well.

“Have you talked to him?” Taekwoon asks quietly. He glances at the mirror across the room, and his eyes lock with Hakyeon’s for a moment.

“Mm,” the man nods. “He came to my room that night…”

Taekwoon’s stomach squeezes with a myriad of emotions. It’s a bundle of everything, and he can’t make out individual feelings. It feels bittersweet, toxic yet also exciting. There’s no reason questioning why Jaehwan sought Hakyeon’s company, they’ve all done it before.

Should Taekwoon just confess?

What is he supposed to say when he can’t even figure out what he wants himself?

Curiosity takes the better of Taekwoon, and he lifts his head with a questioning look. He stares at Hakyeon’s reflection, and for a second there’s something strange on Hakyeon’s face as he looks at Taekwoon.

“I just don’t know.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Hakyeon smiles slightly and pats his chest, and then moves his arm to mess Taekwoon’s hair.

Staring after Hakyeon as he leaves, there’s a shapeless, hazy idea forming in his head, but Taekwoon shushes it away quickly.

 

The day after the conversation with Hakyeon in the studio, Taekwoon calls Jaehwan to meet up with him after his musical, asking him if he wants to get a coffee before heading back home. Jaehwan, when striding up to Taekwoon, declares that he wants to get some beers, but he changes his mind after seeing Taekwoon’s glare.

For the moment, Taekwoon is glad that Jaehwan acts like nothing happened, but he knows that they can’t keep ignoring the elephant in the room for too long. Just until he feels ready.

Taekwoon pays for both their drinks quietly, and in a secluded booth they sit across from each other, burying themselves into their phones.

“How was your musical?” Jaehwan asks after clearing his throat, and Taekwoon cringes. It’s too awkward, the atmosphere, and he doesn’t think he will be able to bear it for too long. He wants to go home and lock himself away, or bury himself in Wonshik’s soft embrace or in Hongbin’s attentive silence, but they are having a variety show recording the next day and he needs to settle things with Jaehwan before that so at least they can pretend that nothing is wrong in front of the cameras.

He doesn’t want to disappoint Hakyeon either.

“It was good,” Taekwoon replies curtly, chancing a look at Jaehwan. He’s put his phone down, his mocha still untouched. The older man takes a sip from his latte to busy himself.

Jaehwan lets out a barely audible sigh, glancing down.

“But there’s room for improvement,” Taekwoon adds abruptly, looking at his drink.

There’s a ghost of smile appearing on Jaehwan’s face, and Taekwoon’s heart misses a painful beat.

“What did you do today?” he continues, raking his memory to see if he remembers Jaehwan’s current schedule, but he’s not sure if he’s got the day right. He admits that he hasn’t been paying much attention to Jaehwan these past days, and Taekwoon feels guilty because it’s not Jaehwan’s fault.

It’s Taekwoon’s. He’s such a coward.

“Nothing much,” Jaehwan shrugs, and then starts to list off the things he did in his free time. “Practiced some, went to the gym, then I met up with some friends. It was good,” he nods to himself with a content smile and finally takes a big gulp from his drink.

Taekwoon wonders if he should push it and inquire more about Jaehwan’s day. He knows that people love it when they can talk about themselves and Jaehwan certainly loves to talk, and when Taekwoon is in the mood he likes to listen to Jaehwan’s voice too, so he figures it would be a good start.

He’s glad that Jaehwan hasn’t brought up the thing at the hotel yet, because Taekwoon is not exactly prepared to have that kind of conversation. Not even with himself, let alone with Jaehwan. He still needs some time, and Jaehwan seems like he knows it as well.

Taekwoon wants to thank Jaehwan for being so patient with him, but instead he keeps quiet about his feelings.

“What?” Jaehwan looks up from his phone suddenly, the grin that was plastered on his face when he was reading something on the screen slowly slipping into a confused smile as he blinks at Taekwoon.

“I just… asked what you did with your friends,” Taekwoon repeats himself a bit louder to be heard over the background music. He doesn’t want to talk too loudly but Jaehwan sometimes likes to pretend that he didn’t hear anything said to him. It’s one of his charms the five others have come to appreciate and loathe at the same time.

“Oh,” the younger man mouths, and then the wide grin is back on his face, and his eyes twinkle with excitement, and yes, this is what Taekwoon wanted to see.

“We went to a shooting range. It was really fun,” Jaehwan begins, and leans forward as he lifts his shoulders. He looks like a little boy talking about his newest, most favorite toy.

“Archery?” Taekwoon asks, surprised.

Jaehwan laughs. “No. Guns,” he says and shapes a gun with his hands, pointing at Taekwoon and shooting him. He even imitates the sound of a firing gun, and it’s impressive how real it sounds.

Taekwoon imagines Jaehwan with a pistol in his hands as he concentrates on his target, and he almost chokes on his latte.

“Guns?” Taekwoon repeats incredulously to make sure he hasn’t misheard.

“Yeah,” Jaehwan bobs his head together with his drink as he sips at it. He’s already consumed half of it. Taekwoon doesn’t want him to drink so fast.

“Really, it was tons of fun. We should go sometime.” And Taekwoon is already picturing Jaehwan with a gun again, but the younger boy’s voice pulls him back to reality. “With the others. It’d be hilarious to see them missing every shot,” Jaehwan laughs loudly.

“I don’t think I’m better than the others,” Taekwoon wrinkles his forehead. He doesn’t remember ever holding a real gun or even a paintball gun in his life. Maybe he has, back in high school but he can’t recall it right now.

Jaehwan’s mirth takes all his attention. If Taekwoon forgot why he loved Jaehwan, now he’s reminded of every single emotion the younger makes Taekwoon feel and every single thought Jaehwan’s presence and sight feed to him.

 

They commemorate their little alone time with a photo before leaving the café using Jaehwan’s phone because Taekwoon doesn’t trust himself with writing a good enough comment, so he lets the other man handle that part.

He feels a tiny bit of weight lifting off his shoulders because it seems the fans are loving it, the awkward interactions between Ken and Leo already forgotten.

Once they get back to the dorm – they don’t talk for the whole way back – the only proof that somebody is home is Wonshik’s loud snoring, a rare phenomenon nowadays. They kick off their shoes at the entrance, and Jaehwan leaves Taekwoon without a word, closing himself in his room.

Taekwoon chews on his lips, gaze lingering on Jaehwan’s door. He decides to take a quick shower and then he’ll make some dinner for the others to occupy his mind. It’s not like he doesn’t have anything better to do, there’s always room for improvement, the need to practice, to work in the studio, but he is feeling too scattered to focus on any of these.

But standing under the hot stream, he can’t help the toxic thoughts from resurfacing, and he has to bite back the tears at every image, every memory his mind displays because it’s all Jaehwan’s hurt expression and his forced smiles haunting Taekwoon.

He wants to beat himself because he can’t give Jaehwan what he deserves, but he’s too weak to admit that there’s something wrong with him. And he’s a coward because he can’t discuss it with Jaehwan, he just can’t, at least not until he’s sure about his problem and has a solution at the ready.

The dorm is eerily quiet as Taekwoon prepares the ingredients, hands moving automatically. Even Wonshik’s stopped snoring, but he doesn’t seem to be awake yet. Taekwoon pretends that Jaehwan is not in the other room, doing whatever he does when he is this quiet. Maybe he’s sleeping too.

It’s a slow-cook meal, something more extravagant than just simple noodles, and as Taekwoon puts the lid on the pot to let the food roast, he grabs onto the edge of the counter to keep himself upright. He heaves deeply, trying to calm his racing heart.

Questions begin to buzz around his head and as the feeling intensifies, he’s starting to feel a bit dizzy.

What is wrong with him? What is he doing, what is he doing to Jaehwan?

Does he still love Jaehwan anyw—

Yes, yes, he is still so fucking in love with Jaehwan, there’s no reason to doubt it.

But then why? Why does he not feel the urge?

Has he lost his libido? Why does he have to struggle?

And what’s Hakyeon have to do with all of this, why does Hakyeon keep invading his mind?

What does he want from Hakyeon, does he want Hakyeon?

Taekwoon feels like throwing up.

“Taekwoon.”

Blood freezes in Taekwoon’s veins, and for a moment he weighs the pros and cons of ignoring Jaehwan. He closes his eyes, and despite his sudden, unreasonable fear, he turns around to look at the younger man.

He has to bite into his cheeks to keep himself from giving out any embarrassing sound at the sight of Jaehwan, because he looks so tempting, so endearing, so beautiful in that oversized, outstretched shirt that hides his thighs, and his legs are getting too hairy again, and he’s wearing one of Sanghyuk’s bunny slippers, and his hair is a bird’s nest from the rest he must have taken after getting back.

“Are you okay?” Jaehwan asks carefully, his expression guarded.

“Were you sleeping?” Taekwoon ignores Jaehwan’s question and smiles when the man nods, scratching himself absentmindedly. It feels strangely normal, the sight, just for a moment before reality crashes onto Taekwoon’s shoulders to remind him that no, nothing is normal, because he’s fucked up and he doesn’t know how to make it right.

“What’s for dinner?” the younger man wrinkles his forehead, sniffs at the air and steps next to Taekwoon to look at the condensation on the pot’s glass lid, trying to see the food through it. Taekwoon lifts the lid as Jaehwan leans out of the steam’s way.

“Hmm, smells nice,” Jaehwan smiles with his eyes closed. “When will it be ready? I’m so hungry,” he whines, not even trying to stay quiet for Wonshik, snoring in the bedroom again.

“It still needs some time,” Taekwoon lies because he’s got not no idea how much time might have passed since he took it off high-heat. He shouldn’t be this careless, he doesn’t want the food to go to waste, but he can’t think straight.

It’s like he’s forgotten how to function normally.

Jaehwan pouts at him with a pretend-angry face, and while desperately wishing for things to return to those times when everything was as easy as this, Taekwoon sighs exasperatedly.

“I don’t know, at least half an hour,” he shrugs and turns back to give the food a good stir before placing the lid back.

Suddenly, there are arms wrapped around his waist and there’s a chin digging into his shoulders. Taekwoon tries to shift away from the pain but Jaehwan keeps him in one place steadily, the motion reminding Taekwoon that Jaehwan is not some fragile porcelain vase that needs to be handled with care. He feels, he hears Jaehwan breathing on his ear, and Taekwoon is mortified to find out that it does nothing to him. He likes the pressure of Jaehwan’s hands on his body, the feeling of Jaehwan’s chest against his back, but the man’s half-hard cock against him brings… nothing.

There’s nothing, just a tiny jolt in Taekwoon’s belly. A tiny spark of excitement that only comes because Taekwoon forces his mind to give his body an appropriate reaction that would be normal in this situation.

“Taekwoon,” Jaehwan whispers, his voice sensual and resonating right into Taekwoon’s bones. He’s not moving yet but Taekwoon knows he’ll start grinding soon enough. Taekwoon remembers the feeling of pleasure that came with it but now his mind is painfully blank.

Taekwoon swallows, closing his eyes tightly.

“I… I know there’s something—”

“Jaehwan-ah,” Taekwoon starts, but the man behind him squeezes his arms around Taekwoon, cutting him off.

“No, no, I know,” he shakes his head stubbornly, burying his face into Taekwoon’s back between his shoulder blades, “I know there’s something wrong between us, and I don’t know what it is yet, but… whatever it is, I can fix it.”

Taekwoon wants to weep. He almost does so too, the urge to let go of his tears clawing at his throat is just too great to contain but Taekwoon resists, barely hanging onto something. Instead, he lets out a weak whimper because Jaehwan sounds broken and sad and he thinks it’s his fault that Taekwoon doesn’t feel the sexual desire, that the reason for the loss of Taekwoon’s libido is—

What is it?

Is it Jaehwan?

Is it Hakyeon?

Is it the image of Hakyeon fucking Jaehwan instead of Taekwoon?

The thought sends a painful yet utterly pleasant jolt up his spine and blood rushes south. Taekwoon whirls around in Jaehwan’s arms and crashes their mouths together, pressing his tongue to Jaehwan’s, desperate for his forgiveness.

“Let me make it up to you,” Taekwoon breathes into Jaehwan’s mouth and pushes the man against the counter on the other side of their kitchen, getting onto his knees immediately.

“Taekwoonie-hyung,” Jaehwan whines, digging his fingers into Taekwoon’s hair and grabbing at the strands. “You don’t have to do it if—” he inhales sharply when Taekwoon pushes his shirt out of the way and presses his mouth at the tent forming in his undergarments, “—if you don’t want to,” he finishes breathily, knocking his head against the cabinet and baring his neck.

Taekwoon replies by yanking off Jaehwan’s tight boxers and taking Jaehwan in his hand, a familiar sight, a familiar feeling. He knows what Jaehwan likes by heart, but the difference now it that his heart doesn’t really seem to want to do it. However Taekwoon swallows the urge to leave, his stomach trembling in fear, pulls the foreskin back and starts pumping until Jaehwan is fully hard and panting.

Jaehwan’s fingers travel between Taekwoon’s hair and shoulders, not settling anywhere. The younger man shifts, spreading his legs further, one hand grabbing hold of the kitchen counter for support, his muscles trembling already.

When Taekwoon presses his lips against the tip of Jaehwan’s cock, eyes closed and mustering his courage and desire, both of which seem to be missing suddenly, Jaehwan bites back a throaty moan.

Jaehwan starts mumbling under his breath as Taekwoon lowers his head just until the point where his gag reflex doesn’t kick in though his stomach is rolling with something similar to disgust, and he hears his name whispered between broken words of promises and confessions and _I can fix it_ s.

Maybe it’s really been long since Taekwoon has pleased Jaehwan, because the younger man comes too quickly, most of his come landing on the floor, only a thin string dripping off Taekwoon’s face that he wipes off quickly.

Jaehwan is holding onto the counter with trembling hands, his legs powerless as his chest heaves up and down, neck and face flushed. He doesn’t open his eyes as Taekwoon cleans him off with a paper towel, and there’s burning shame in his movements as he leans down to tug his boxers back up.

“Do you want me to suck you off later?” Jaehwan shifts awkwardly, chewing on his lower lip that seems to be swollen already.

Taekwoon’s stomach hasn’t stopped trembling. He almost says no.

“Later,” he echoes and turns back to the food.

 

The later comes the following dawn just an hour before Hakyeon usually gets up – and oh god he looks so beautiful when he sleeps, even when his mouth is hanging open, and Taekwoon stares at Hakyeon’s silhouette for a good five minutes before getting up –, Jaehwan meeting Taekwoon in the smaller of the two bathrooms they have, and the look on his face reminds Taekwoon of a predator cornering its prey.

“I—” Taekwoon begins but Jaehwan pushes him onto the toilet seat.

“Don’t say anything,” Jaehwan mumbles as he locks the door, his voice raw with sleepiness. His fingers are uncoordinated but work quickly, and Taekwoon doesn’t know if he should feel lucky that Jaehwan seems to think his pliant cock is because he’s still too sleepy to feel horny and not because Taekwoon doesn’t want Jaehwan to blow him.

He braces himself and tightens his hold on the edges of the cool toilet seat because he feels that if he put his hands anywhere on Jaehwan he would push the younger man away.

Taekwoon fights the lack of urge, tries to fill the void with images, but as Jaehwan sucks on his cock and hollows his cheeks, Taekwoon realizes that it’s not Hakyeon who he wants to be in Jaehwan’s place, but more of Hakyeon in Taekwoon’s place on the toilet, receiving this messy blowjob.

Taekwoon just wants to watch.

It takes Jaehwan a fair amount of deepthroating to make Taekwoon come, and he doesn’t want Jaehwan to swallow him but Jaehwan does it diligently like it would make Taekwoon return to him.

Jaehwan rests his hands on Taekwoon’s thighs, looking up at the older man, still kneeling between his legs. It’s so filthy, the sight blooming in front of Taekwoon’s eyes. Jaehwan’s got a conflicted expression on his face, pulling his lips to the side as if to show his distaste. Sticking his tongue out, Jaehwan licks Taekwoon’s come off from the corner of his lips.

“Do you not love me anymore?” he asks, and his tone is cold, calculated, it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to make Taekwoon feel guilty. He sounds too curious for that, and it hurts Taekwoon all the more.

Taekwoon lets out a desperate gasp, words coming apart at the seams before he could form them.

“That’s why— why you don’t want to—” Jaehwan stops himself, “you don’t love me anymore?”

“No, that’s— no,” Taekwoon leans forward and wraps his palms around Jaehwan’s neck. “I love you so much,” he whispers, hoping that his feelings will come through whatever clouds Jaehwan’s mind at the moment.

“Then why don’t we have sex anymore?” he asks, and Taekwoon wishes he had the answer to it, he wishes so desperately.

“I don’t know yet,” Taekwoon breathes, resting his forehead on top of Jaehwan’s head, burying his face into the younger’s hair and inhaling. “I don’t know what I should do,” he whispers into the dark brown strands.

Jaehwan’s arms come up around Taekwoon and wrap loosely around his shoulders, their position too uncomfortable to remain like that for too long, especially so early in the morning.

 

Maybe it’s Hakyeon. Maybe it’s his skin that Taekwoon wants to see melting in with his own, maybe Jaehwan’s lips are too big, maybe it’s Hakyeon’s gentle glances, maybe, maybe, maybe—

But Taekwoon does not love Hakyeon like he loves Jaehwan. Maybe it’s just his body longing for the older man, something so much different from Jaehwan.

Taekwoon knows that Jaehwan sees the way he looks at Hakyeon because Taekwoon finds less and less desire to keep his urges hidden from Jaehwan. But the problem is that Taekwoon still doesn’t know what exactly he wants, and so Jaehwan gets the wrong idea, because who wouldn’t?

“You don’t know, huh?” Jaehwan sneers with his eyebrows raised and arms crossed before his chest.

The smoking area is empty except for them, and as Taekwoon leans against the balcony’s railing, he feels his sweat trickle down his neck, from the long dance practice and the stifling heat of the night.

Taekwoon inhales, feeling the smoke fill his lungs and calm his nerves a tiny bit, but Jaehwan’s looming presence dissolves the effect immediately.

“Have you been lying to me?” he hears Jaehwan ask around a cigarette as he lights one as well. He doesn’t stand next to Taekwoon, probably leaning against the wall or sitting on the bench.

“You said you stopped smoking,” Taekwoon says, trying to avoid the question. He’s aware that he can’t ignore the elephant in the room for too long, not with the recent changes in their relationship, and there’s no excuse for him to dance around the topic anymore.

“You’re such a fucking hypocrite, _hyung_ ,” Jaehwan scoffs, his voice dripping of sarcasm. “And I did,” he adds with a click of his tongue, “I’m just too agitated.”

“Agitated,” Taekwoon deadpans, “fancy words.” He earns a half-hearted kick in the calves for that but Jaehwan stays put otherwise. They are too exhausted to act on their desires, especially Jaehwan. If he wasn’t so tired, Taekwoon knows that Jaehwan would have punched him in the face already. It wouldn’t be the first time.

No matter how much Jaehwan talks, sometimes his fists fly faster than his words.

“You don’t usually smoke,” Jaehwan notes with a sigh, but not in defeat. Jaehwan hardly gives up. Taekwoon whips his head around and catches Jaehwan opening and closing his mouth, trying to form smoke rings.

The younger man glances at him through half-lidded eyes.

“I’m just… agitated,” Taekwoon echoes. It gets him an annoyed scoff from the younger man, but Taekwoon sees a ghost of a smirk trying to surface on Jaehwan’s lips.

They stay silent after that, taking long drags and exhaling, Taekwoon’s cigarette shorter a bit. He finishes earlier than Jaehwan but he doesn’t leave right away after pressing the butt into the ashtray. He looks at Jaehwan, the younger’s eyes closed, humming to an unknown melody with his head against the wall, cigarette just on the tip of his lips.

He looks like a display from an art exhibition, the one that makes everyone want to touch it even if they are forbidden from it. Taekwoon curls his fingers into fists and digs his blunt nails into his palms to keep his hands from reaching for Jaehwan. He wants that piece of art all to himself.

Instead, he sits next to Jaehwan, leaving a few centimeters between their bodies. He doesn’t know how Jaehwan would react to his touch right now. He feels like he’s treading on thin ice.

“What’s wrong with you?” Jaehwan whispers, exhaling smoke, his tone so serious that‘s rare to be heard from him. If Taekwoon hasn’t been aware of the seriousness of their situation, now he would realize just by listening to Jaehwan.

“I don’t know,” he admits, leaning forward to put his chin on his palms. Jaehwan lets out a frustrated sound.

“ _’I don’t know, I don’t know’_ , that’s all you’ve been saying for the past few weeks, and honestly?” his voice jumps up with a sudden flare of anger, “I’m fucking sick of it.”

Taekwoon resists turning his head to the side, he can’t look at Jaehwan, he can’t bear to look at his friend slash lover slash everything Taekwoon has ever wanted and never deserved.

He doesn’t deserve Jaehwan—

“What do you want me to say then?!” Taekwoon raises his voice as well. Over the heat of his own frustration, he can feel Jaehwan’s body tensing, a volcano ready to erupt right next to him.

“Anything! Anything but _‘I don’t know’_!” the younger man exclaims, jumping to his feet.

Taekwoon’s eyes snap to Jaehwan. There’s rage rolling off both of them, and Taekwoon retracts his hand before he could burn himself with Jaehwan’s heat.

Annoyed at Taekwoon’s silence, Jaehwan lets out a guttural growl.

“Well, do let me know when you figure it out,” Jaehwan says, his words bitter, and kicks the ashtray for good measure as he stomps back into the studio’s building, the metal bin clanking loudly in the night. Taekwoon winces, but he’s not sure at what; Jaehwan’s words that he knows are true, or the loud sound splitting his ears.

He thinks it’s the former.

He buries his face in his palms, and before leaving himself, he puts out Jaehwan’s carelessly tossed cigarette and fixes the bin to take his mind off his troubles.

 

Sunggyu picks up after five rings and tells Taekwoon to go to an address Taekwoon is not sure he knows. But he goes without a question because Sunggyu has been busy lately and they haven’t had the chance to meet up, and Taekwoon just needs to get away from the drama that keeps seeping into his life, as if it wasn’t complicated to begin with.

He feels like he’d suffocate if he had to go back to the dorm that would most probably lack Wonshik and Hongbin; the former a soft embrace of comfort that Taekwoon can always escape into, the latter the voice of reason and acceptance, but would contain Hakyeon and Jaehwan and a nosy Sanghyuk within itself, and Taekwoon just can’t deal with any of them right now.

Even though he hasn’t seen Jaehwan for days after their little fight in the studio, always somewhere else for individual schedules, Taekwoon isn’t sure if he feels ready to face the man. This time not even fighting it out would help.

And who would be there to mend the wounds?

Sunggyu’s presence dissolves Taekwoon’s problems in an instant, and Taekwoon almost falls to his knees in relief when the senior singer throws a soccer ball at him without caring whether Taekwoon is paying attention to the oncoming object or not.

“So, what’s up with you,” Sunggyu says casually, dark circles under his sharp eyes, and Taekwoon lets the ball fall to the green floor of the building’s roof. When he passes the ball to Sunggyu, who barely exerts himself to catch it with his feet, Taekwoon notices a box of what appears to be beer, and he stammers out a silent prayer because he could do with a bit of alcohol but still not lethargic enough to be drinking himself into stupor alone.

“Busy with things,” Taekwoon shrugs, taking Sunggyu’s lopsided and weak pass. “How’s the world tour going?” he asks, deciding to juggle the ball a few times, because Sunggyu has flopped down on the side of the field, already opening a bottle of beer. The football game is for Taekwoon alone.

“Already finished, we’re preparing for a comeback,” the man sighs into the mouth of the bottle. “I just want to get drunk.”

“Then drink,” Taekwoon says and kicks at the ball with all his power, and it flies over the goalpost. The netting that reaches high into the sky for this exact reason stops the ball.

Taekwoon continues to score goal after goal, anger bleeding out of him slowly, and Sunggyu keeps drinking until he grows bored and beckons Taekwoon to him, and Taekwoon can’t say no to the man.

Sunggyu stares at the starless sky, two bottles empty at his legs already while Taekwoon starts his first one. He’s not a big fan of the taste, but beer gets the work done, and after another full bottle, he starts to feel a hazy fog enclosing his thoughts.

He knows he shouldn’t get more drunk because he doesn’t want to risk spilling the beans for Sunggyu; they may be friends, but there’s more than a million good reasons why they – _they,_ Jaehwan _and_ him _–_ had decided not to let even their members know of their relationship.

Nobody else knows other than the two of them and Hakyeon – who, just as he had promised, didn’t start treating them any differently, as if he was pretending not to know that two of his colleagues, friends, almost family members fucked each other, and were just generally in a relationship that could potentially ruin everything they’ve worked for.

So, no, Sunggyu doesn’t need to know.

And Sunggyu really does not need to know the details to help Taekwoon so that the younger man can relax a little bit.

“Hyung,” Taekwoon slurs, swaying from side to side as he tries to keep himself in sitting position. The world doesn’t really want him to be sitting because it keeps spinning and spinning.

Sunggyu murmurs something under his nose, moving his legs, and accidentally kicks a few empty bottles. The glass rattles and clinks loudly, but neither of them cares.

Taekwoon doesn’t care.

“If— how do you help… if any of your members,” Taekwoon wrinkles his forehead in deep concentration, “are struggling with something? Do you feel— feel like you need to help them?” he stares at Sunggyu, squinting.

“Problems?” Sunggyu echoes, “What kind… of problems?”

Taekwoon thinks how to word what he wants to tell Sunggyu, but it’s not the easiest thing to do when tipsy just enough so he can’t really stop his own mouth.

“Things they can’t discuss with… their family or—” Taekwoon stops for a moment.

“You mean idol stuff?” Sunggyu finishes for him, barely intelligible underneath all the alcohol. Taekwoon hums loudly, the end of it melting into a clumsy melody before Sunggyu continues, “I let them figure it out themselves,” the man explains, sounding a bit too sober for someone who’s had four bottles of beer.

Taekwoon lets out an exhale. What was he expecting, really? That Sunggyu would offer him some kind of advice and suddenly Taekwoon would be enlightened, knowing what he should do?

Taekwoon himself doesn’t know what the fuck is going on with him, let alone Sunggyu, and the problem is just too specific to walk around it with other words, trying to phrase it in a way so Sunggyu wouldn’t catch on it.

“Kid,” he hears Sunggyu sigh, exasperated, but somewhat genuine. Taekwoon snorts at the petname, not much of an age difference between them, and diverts his gaze from the few white dots on the sky the city’s light pollution doesn’t hide to look at his senior, expression urging Sunggyu to continue.

“Whatever problem you have that you can’t discuss with anyone—” Sunggyu draws his eyebrows together, thinking, his eyes just two lines and cheeks flushed. The temperature is still hot even in the wee hours of the night, stifling as if before a summer storm.

“I mean, I don’t really know Hakyeon-shi,” he rephrases, “but from what you’ve told me about him, he sounds like someone you can go to with your problems.”

It’s difficult to make out Sunggyu’s slurred syllables, lisp thought to be cured returning, like when someone’s accent becomes heavy when they don’t pay attention.

“But he’s part of the problem,” Taekwoon blurts out so suddenly it takes even him off guard. As the words register in his brain, _oh my fucking god,_ he heaves, looks at Sunggyu with wide eyes, but the other man’s only reaction is a slight turn of head.

“Is he?” Sunggyu asks slowly.

Taekwoon keeps quiet, chewing over the words this time. He listens to the dead city, this area oddly quiet, but instead of the solace Taekwoon hopes it would bring him, the lack of activity begins to irk him, no noise to push his thoughts away.

He thinks over Sunggyu’s question, the way his tone sounded, asking Taekwoon if he really did think that Hakyeon was the problem, somehow not surprised at all.

Maybe Sunggyu is just really drunk.

Maybe Taekwoon is drunk too.

Maybe Sunggyu is right.

“We should go home,” Taekwoon says instead, a lump starting to form in his throat.

“I don’t want to,” Sunggyu lets out a whine, kicking away an empty bottle. Taekwoon climbs to his knees, willing the world to stop spinning, and when he thinks his balance has returned, slowly stands up, grabbing onto the netting’s pole.

“Come on, hyung,” Taekwoon reaches out with his hand towards Sunggyu, wriggling his fingers a bit. Sunggyu looks at him with an unreadable expression on his face, eyes glinting under the lights of the roof, as though assessing something. Then he accepts Taekwoon’s outstretched hand, not even bothering to stand up himself.

Taekwoon clears away the bottles, and puts the soccer ball back into the rack that he finds behind the door that leads to the stairs, supporting Sunggyu with his other arm. They stumble down a flight and enter the elevator in complete silence, three mirrored walls as if they were closing in on Taekwoon.

He notices Sunggyu staring at him, though he can’t really tell if he’s squinting at the harsh lighting or not.

“What?” Taekwoon blurts out, somewhat anxious under the scrutinizing gaze.

Sunggyu purses his lips in deep concentration, that half-pout with the slightly wrinkled nose he sometimes does when he’s confused or not satisfied. Though Taekwoon has rarely seen this expression before, he knows the meaning very well by now.

The older man sniffs and pulls his lower lip upward. “About your problem,” he prompts, and Taekwoon visibly tenses. He can’t help but tighten his grip on the metal handle around the elevator.

“Try not to keep it bottled up for too long or you’ll hurt your bandmates’ carriers too.”

Taekwoon stays silent, retreating deep into his thoughts until they arrive to the ground floor, and he’s pulled into a lopsided hug by Sunggyu outside the building.

“I hope I could help,” Sunggyu says with a half-smile, kind of clumsy due to the alcohol, but at least he loses more of his façade. “You can always call me.”

“I know. I really needed this,” Taekwoon nods, regretting the action immediately as the world begins to spin around him lightly. Sunggyu lets out a chuckle.

“Me too,” is how Sunggyu says goodbye, getting into the taxi.

 

It’s around three in the morning when Taekwoon makes it back to the dormitory, lingering in the dark playground near their apartment building before that, replaying his conversation with Sunggyu and trying to put the pieces together in some way that would at least make sense to him.

He tries to organize his thoughts in the company of the dull buzzing of alcohol as he rocks himself back and forth on a swing, gently, fingers wrapped tightly around the rope.

It’s been months, three to be precise, since he truly felt sexually attracted to Jaehwan. To anyone, actually. Whenever he tried to fantasize or watch porn to at least feel a fragment of what used to come naturally to him, Jaehwan was always in the forefront of his thoughts, but—

Somewhere along the way Hakyeon stepped into them, not pushing the image of Jaehwan out, but more like standing behind him, with his arms wrapped around Jaehwan’s waist, as they both stared at Taekwoon.

Taekwoon isn’t attracted to Hakyeon. Not in the way he is to Jaehwan.

But it can’t hurt to try, can it?

They’ve done it before, Hakyeon has done it before, rarely and with the rule of never ever bringing it up, but he has done it, with Taekwoon too, though it’s been a long time since that, before Jaehwan and Taekwoon started goofing around and became a thing. So, it can’t hurt.

Taekwoon stumbles into the bedroom Hakyeon has recently started to share with Hongbin, the younger man absent for drama shooting overseas, a spark of pity in Taekwoon’s mind before it fully focuses on Hakyeon’s sleeping form.

Mouth hanging open and breathing loudly but not exactly snoring, Hakyeon’s only reaction to the light that streams into the dark bedroom from the hallway is to shift around a bit and close his mouth. It’s a sight that Taekwoon has seen many times and still thinks is endearing in its own way.

He hates to wake Hakyeon up, he hates to be the one to wake up any of the members with how little sleep they usually get, but this time Taekwoon has already made up his mind, and if he’s going to back out now, he doesn’t know what will happen. He’ll probably fall back to square one, being in limbo with Jaehwan and stuck there for who knows how long.

Taekwoon needs to do this.

“Hey,” he whispers, placing a hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder.

Hakyeon wakes up almost immediately, squinting, and mind surfacing from his deep slumber.

“Taekwoon-ah?” the older man slurs, his voice raw with sleepiness. He blinks a few times, and when he’s made sure that he’s not dreaming, lifts his head from the pillow. “What’s wrong?” he asks, always the leader, always the caring friend.

“I—” Taekwoon begins, then swallows. It’s been long since he had to ask this favor, but the circumstances are different this time. “I need some help.”

“With what?” Hakyeon pushes himself up into sitting position, looking down at Taekwoon as he kneels next to the bed. Taekwoon bites into his lip. Why is it so hard now?

Somehow the words get jumbled in his throat, he blames it on the alcohol, but god, why does he feel like a teenager virgin? Why can’t he just tell Hakyeon to suck him off?

Hakyeon digs his fingertips into the corner of his eyes, rubbing the sleepiness away. His hair is a mess in an adorable way, and even in the darkness Taekwoon knows there’s a pinprick of stubble already growing over his mouth and on the tip of his chin, but the image does nothing to him like it does with Jaehwan.

“I need to— make sure of something. I need your help.”

Hakyeon is silent, dragging a hand over his face.

“Is it about you and Jaehwan?”

Taekwoon nods, hesitating. Hakyeon’s gaze lingers on his face for a few long moments before he places his hand on Taekwoon’s cheek. Taekwoon takes it as an invitation and slides his arm across Hakyeon’s legs, rising to one knee and leaning forward.

They rarely kiss, strictly for when they are extremely deprived, even with Hakyeon satisfying them, but this time it’s the older man who pulls Taekwoon into a hesitant kiss, Taekwoon’s lips clumsy from the beer, and Hakyeon from the sleep.

They exchange places with Taekwoon sitting on the bed and Hakyeon sliding between his legs, uncoordinated fingers working on his pants. They don’t bother with the door, it’s barely open to a crack, they’re out of sight.

Hakyeon takes Taekwoon in his mouth without beating around the bush, hands on Taekwoon’s thighs for leverage. Taekwoon lets out a deep exhale, leaning back onto his palms, the hot, moist feeling of Hakyeon’s mouth only sufficient for a tiny spark of excitement.

It’s not like Hakyeon wasn’t good at sucking dicks, because god, he’s amazing, but Taekwoon just can’t get fully erect until a loud snore comes from Jaehwan’s room, jump-starting Taekwoon’s clouded mind and filling him with the idea of Jaehwan, his presence, how could he forget that Jaehwan was also there?

Taekwoon closes his eyes and tries to focus on Hakyeon’s tongue.

Hakyeon and Jaehwan meet and melt into each other, and Taekwoon is overwhelmed.

 

Taekwoon comes to a sudden halt on the threshold of the bathroom, Jaehwan’s figure the last thing he’s expected to see first thing in the morning. He knows he shouldn’t just stand there in the door, eyes bulging out and hoping that Jaehwan hasn’t heard what he and Hakyeon were doing not even two hours ago, but he’s too sleepy to think straight.

Jaehwan sends him a quick once-over, his eyes lingering on Taekwoon’s messy hair, and then looks back at the mirror.

“Good morning,” he says without looking and picks his toothbrush from the plastic holder with all of their brushes. His movements are sluggish from sleepiness, just like Taekwoon’s.

Being slightly hungover and having slept two hours adds up into incoherent thoughts and delayed reactions. He knows he shouldn’t have drunk – oh just how hungover Sunggyu is going to be – and stayed out for too long, but it was something that Taekwoon really needed.

So all Taekwoon does is stare at Jaehwan brush his teeth, and his heart skips a few beats at the familiar sight of Jaehwan letting the white foam run down the brush and his fingers, pooling in his palm. Sometimes Jaehwan goes as far as letting the toothpaste reach his lower arm if he’s especially sleepy, brushing his teeth for long minutes without even blinking as if his mind was still trying to get some rest before he’s required to function as a normal human being. Taekwoon found that little habit gross in the beginning, but now his heart yearns for it and more.

Unconsciously, Taekwoon walks up to him and grabs onto the edge of the porcelain sink, and when Jaehwan straightens up after rinsing his mouth, Taekwoon’s arm lifts on its own, thumb sweeping off the little speck of white in the corner of Jaehwan’s mouth.

Jaehwan grabs Taekwoon’s wrist, holding his hand in place and turning his head to face the older man. His expression is cold, his brows drawn together in a ghost of confusion.

“Stop it,” Jaehwan says, his tone hard and hot breath on Taekwoon’s knuckles sending him warning sings.

“I can’t,” Taekwoon whispers, leaning forward. His eyes are half-closed, and he feels Jaehwan press his lips against his fingers in a motionless kiss. He knows Jaehwan is just acting now, with his poker face and all, but he’s just as affected as Taekwoon.

“Stop playing with me,” Jaehwan whimpers, his breath hitching. His voice is stretched thin, and Taekwoon hates the way it sounds, hates the fact that he is the reason for it.

“I’m not,” he says, just as softly, swallowing.

Oh how much he wants to kiss Jaehwan senseless right now.

Having Hakyeon suck him off helped him realize two things: that Taekwoon still loves Jaehwan, and that it’s not Hakyeon Taekwoon wants. At least not sexually.

“Then why did you go to Hakyeon?” Jaehwan’s eyes are closed tight, loosening his hold on Taekwoon’s wrist but not letting go. It’s enough for Taekwoon to pull himself free, but he doesn’t act upon his reasonable thoughts. Instead, he opens his fist and places his palm on Jaehwan’s cheek.

The sensation on his skin, the pressure, the shape of Jaehwan’s face, the curve of protruding cheekbone are all so familiar, so _natural_ that Taekwoon is reminded of every second he’s spent with Jaehwan, every second he’s loved, and in that moment he doesn’t want to do anything but to embrace Jaehwan and never let go.

“Please, Jaehwan-ah,” Taekwoon pleads quietly, “just trust me.”

Jaehwan keeps silent.

 

Taekwoon catches Jaehwan and Hakyeon in the shower at the studio, the two of them having stayed behind to catch up on the new choreography with Hakyeon teaching Jaehwan from movement to movement, going over everything carefully, just like he always does when they learn a new dance; it’s always been the case with Jaehwan. He’s always had to stay behind to practice more, never grasping the choreography as fast as the others.

In the beginning Taekwoon has offered his help as well, but Hakyeon wasn’t their main dancer for nothing. There was something in him that enabled the oldest to learn and teach dances efficiently; and efficiency is what Jaehwan needs, still, four years into their career. Nowadays these sessions happen with a professional dance teacher, with Hakyeon drowning in solo schedules, but sometimes, sometimes when the teacher is too busy and Hakyeon has a bit of free time, Jaehwan and Hakyeon dance until they drop to the ground.

Taekwoon wouldn’t want to admit to himself, but it’s the curiosity that makes him stop in his composition, leave the studio he’s been huddled in, and start looking for Jaehwan, knowing that he’s still in the building.

What he doesn’t expect – and expects all the same –, however, is catching Hakyeon kneeling in front of Jaehwan, his mouth full of the youngest of them, and Jaehwan moaning incoherently. His long fingers are curled around Hakyeon’s shoulders gripping him, and Taekwoon knows he’s close.

Taekwoon almost crashes into the shower room, but he catches himself in the last moment and grips the door, making sure not to let it move or even creak as he stares through the crack, perfect view at his two bandmates.

Something stirs in him at the sight, something dormant that’s been out of commission for a long time, so long that it’s almost alien to Taekwoon.

But oh does he know what it is—

He’s been chasing it for months now.

When Jaehwan comes, the hot stream of the shower cleaning his cum off Hakyeon’s glinting skin, Taekwoon shudders together with Jaehwan, a long lost shiver running up and down his spine.

He’s reminded of that time in the hotel, when the image first surfaced, and then all the other times when Taekwoon fantasized about the two of them, Hakyeon and Jaehwan, together, the only thing different in his head than right now is that Taekwoon’s presence was always known to the other two.

That’s what has always created the desire, not just the fact that Taekwoon was watching them, but that Hakyeon and Jaehwan knew he was there, and put up a show for him.

This thing here is not for a show, it’s for Jaehwan’s release that Taekwoon’s been denying him for months; this is for Hakyeon trying to understand the relationship between Jaehwan and Taekwoon and its current status, because it wouldn’t be Hakyeon if he didn’t butt into others’ businesses.

“Do you have any idea what’s up with Taekwoon?” Hakyeon asks so quietly that Taekwoon has to strain his ears to understand it over the distortion of the bathroom’s acoustics. Jaehwan lets out an exaggerated groan, turning off the shower.

Taekwoon knows Hakyeon is just concerned about him.

“I honestly don’t know,” Jaehwan answers, accepting the towel Hakyeon hands him and quickly wrapping it around his waist. Taekwoon is prepared to get out before the two could notice his presence, but it’s hard to remain completely invisible when his curiosity makes him push at the boundaries.

“Jaehwan-ah,” Hakyeon starts in that nagging tone of his, and though Jaehwan ignores it, he doesn’t leave the shower room, waiting for the older man to continue. “He’s having problems with something, and we need to help him—”

“Oh, come on!” Jaehwan clicks his tongue in frustration. “He doesn’t tell me shit!”

Hakyeon’s face is hard, hissing at Jaehwan to lower his voice.

“I’ve tried it, hyung, I’ve tried talking to him so many times, but he’s like a fucking parrot,” Jaehwan’s voice slips into a mocking tone. A stinging sensation rises up in Taekwoon’s throat, and he struggles to swallow it. His heart trembles at the furious expression on Jaehwan’s face, not so much of a rare sight nowadays, but still something Taekwoon very much would want gone forever.

“Still,” Hakyeon retorts stubbornly, finally covering himself with a towel.

“I have no fucking idea what he wants from me,” Jaehwan continues, quieter this time. “It’s— it’s been months, hyung, and I’m starting to think that he’s just— I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t want this anymore.”

The look on Jaehwan’s face, his voice, the desperation bleeding out of him tears at Taekwoon’s heart. He wants to reveal himself, walk up to Jaehwan and tell him that it’s not true, he doesn’t want things to end between them, he’s been suffering in this hiatus already to begin with and he’d most likely go crazy if things went back to before the two of them.

But he can’t, he can’t do it just yet, he can’t barge in on this conversation. So he keeps quiet and listens on.

After what feels like an eternity, Hakyeon speaks up, his face serious and voice deep.

“Do you love him?”

Taekwoon doesn’t wait for the answer, because the door to the changing room he’s hiding in cracks open, and he storms out before the cleaning lady could do as much as greet him.

He tells himself on the way back to the recording room that he left so suddenly because of the unwanted audience, because he didn’t want to risk Hakyeon and Jaehwan learning that he eavesdropped on their conversation, but Taekwoon knows that it’s just half the truth.

The other half, the bigger one, is that he’s a fucking coward.

He doesn’t want to hear Jaehwan telling Hakyeon that he doesn’t love Taekwoon anymore, he wouldn’t be able to bear with the rejection, he wouldn’t be able to bear with the truth.

Because the truth is, Taekwoon needs to face it, is that the possibility of Jaehwan falling out of love with him is too great to ignore anymore.

Why would Jaehwan wait around indefinitely, not knowing when Taekwoon would come around? Why would anyone? Why would be Jaehwan any different?

 

Wonshik is too busy to notice anything, spending all his time in the recording studio or building connections in the industry, while Hongbin – unlike Hakyeon – prefers not to meddle to save himself the trouble, and Sanghyuk, well, Sanghyuk has probably already caught on, but he’s smarter than to get involved in the whole thing.

Taekwoon is not sure how he should feel about his teammates being oblivious to what’s going on with him and Jaehwan, and now Hakyeon too, but he figures he should consider himself lucky that the drama is confined within three people only, more than enough.

This should have been solved between Jaehwan and him, it should have blown over in a few weeks and now they would be back to their normal routine, but no, things had to become more complicated than necessary, and Taekwoon feels that he’s getting sick of it, he’s getting sick of the issue that just refuses to be acknowledged.

Work is plenty for all of them, and with them moving to a more spacious dorm, the team separating into two apartments on the same floor, right next to each other, Jaehwan ending up with Wonshik and Hakyeon, the amount of times Taekwoon is able to see Jaehwan diminishes greatly.

The effect, however, is not what Taekwoon would have expected to be.

Instead of feeling somewhat relieved that he doesn’t have to face Jaehwan every day, some kind of panic begins to grow in him with each passing day, sometimes going as far as wishing he could just ignore everything, knock down the entrance of their apartment and throw Jaehwan on the bed and just—

But he can’t.

He knows what that would mean for Jaehwan, but it’s just a lie. A lie that everything is back to normal, that Taekwoon has returned, that he wants to have sex.

Taekwoon doesn’t want the sex.

No.

What he wants is— he wants the touches, soft, the lingering glances, the kisses, fluttering like the wings of a butterfly. He wants the strong grip of Jaehwan’s fingers on his limbs, digging into the strings of his muscles, the coarse hair of Jaehwan’s calves when he presses his legs to Taekwoon, the bite of his teeth, not releasing Taekwoon’s skin until he’s squirming. He wants Jaehwan’s obnoxious whines and his shrill laughter, his loud words and quiet whispers, the angry snarl of his lips and the wrinkles in the corner of his eyes, the scrunch of his nose and the furrowed brows, the meaningless topics he manages to come up with, the shitty jokes, the times when their conversations slip into Jaehwan’s weird philosophy, Taekwoon playing along, he wants—

He wants everything that makes Jaehwan.

But with that comes Jaehwan’s desire to have sex, something they were always told a healthy relationship includes, to be intimate, to bear oneself for the other one without any of their defenses, undressed, naked, and vulnerable.

And Taekwoon wouldn’t mind, he wants the intimacy, he yearns for it, desperately now, but he just doesn’t want the sex aspect of it, the— the motions, the actions of them fucking, of Taekwoon fucking Jaehwan, or the other way around, none of these images bring Taekwoon any pleasure.

He doesn’t know how Jaehwan would adjust, if he would even adjust, and it’s not like Taekwoon is in the place to refuse it from Jaehwan. It’s something that Taekwoon requires as well, and to deny it from Jaehwan is just not fair considering how much suffering he’s put Jaehwan through.

Taekwoon wishes his situation wasn’t so fucked up. He wishes he could figure out a solution to his problem, and even though he knows Jaehwan would be willing to make compromises, for him, for them, he isn’t sure if the younger man would entirely give up on such a big part of life as sex.

And then there’s Hakyeon in the permutation, and Taekwoon cannot place him anywhere. Taekwoon still hasn’t taken Sunggyu’s advice, and he knows he should talk to Hakyeon about it, but Sunggyu doesn’t know that Taekwoon fantasizes about his friends like that – oh if only that was the problem. He barely discusses anything with Hakyeon and Jaehwan now, long conversations and body language strictly work-related for interviews and recordings, and then the occasional greetings and soulless _how are you_ s when they run into each other in a hallway or room without being too obvious to any onlookers.

What scares Taekwoon the most is just how much he’s replayed the scene in the shower room that happened barely a week ago, and how strongly it still affects him every time his mind relays the images to his eyes.

It’s the only thing that gets Taekwoon excited.

He thinks about it a lot, about Hakyeon and Jaehwan together— not in the way of lovers, not like Jaehwan and he are supposed to be, but partners to bring pleasure forth and ignite that spark in Taekwoon’s belly, buried deep under troubles that could be gone if only he could just figure out the core of the problem.

Maybe he focuses too much on it, on trying to find a solution, instead of just— Jaehwan.

Taekwoon stares at the words he’s scribbled down into his notebook. It has started out as some kind of lyrics, about a love that is too late to bring back to its former glory, about the pain it takes to tear away from the embraces that linger, but quickly turned into jumbled, unintelligible thoughts. It’s not what he wanted to write about.

Suddenly, strong fingers wrap around the notebook, and it’s yanked from under Taekwoon’s nose, and Taekwoon whirls around with his chair, coming face to face with Sanghyuk.

Sanghyuk is wearing a comfortable hoodie, his hair fuzzy from blow-drying without using a brush and smelling like Taekwoon’s shampoo, and he towers over Taekwoon as his tired but sharp eyes skim over the lyrics before Taekwoon makes a half-assed attempt to get the notebook.

“Damn, hyung,” Sanghyuk raises his eyebrows, gaze jumping from line to line as he reads the words. “This is… exceptionally depressing.”

“Give it back,” Taekwoon growls and snatches the notebook from Sanghyuk’s willing fingers, throwing it onto the desk with a grunt. He’s more annoyed at himself for writing the lyrics than at Sanghyuk for pointing out the obvious.

“Are you okay?”

Taekwoon almost snorts at the routine question.

No, he’s fucking not okay.

He heaves a sigh and clicks his tongue as he leans back in his chair. He peers at the youngest from behind his bangs, assessing his situation, trying to figure out what Sanghyuk might be thinking. It’s an impossible task.

“Are you free now?” Sanghyuk asks. His eyes narrow just the slightest bit, but Taekwoon doesn’t care about the reason.

Taekwoon casts an uncertain glance at his laptop, the keyboard in front of it, the mixing program on the screen that’s in the middle of a composition he doesn’t remember how many times he’s had to start from scratch in the past hours. He’d better off just deleting it, but he can’t bring himself to quit the program without saving.

“Do you want to go anywhere?” Taekwoon asks back, him closing the laptop a clear answer to Sanghyuk’s question.

Sanghyuk shrugs. “I haven’t thought that far. I was just hoping to get you to come out of your room.”

Taekwoon’s stomach squeezes when he sees the knowing look on Sanghyuk’s face, but a bit of tension disappears when Sanghyuk holds his hand out to pull Taekwoon from his chair.

“I don’t want to stay inside,” Taekwoon mumbles, grabbing his phone and wallet from the desk. “Let’s go out.”

He leads the way to the spacious living room, still a bit empty, the lack of personal belongings irking Taekwoon whenever he enters the room. He heads straight for the entrance, not looking back to make sure the youngest is following him.

“Let’s go bowling,” Sanghyuk suggests as they’re putting on their shoes. Before Taekwoon can agree that it’s a good idea, the boy speaks again. “Oh, right, I need to get something from Wonshik-hyung,” he says, and he’s out of the apartment in a flash.

Taekwoon follows him, letting the door lock behind, and he stands before the open entrance of the other apartment, just across the empty hall. The hallway stretching behind the door looks the same as in the other one, every corner and basic furnishing a mirror to the one that Taekwoon lives in. With Hongbin, their entrance is always clean, shoes packed in the closet neatly, but with Jaehwan and Wonshik on the other side, the hallway that Taekwoon contemplates entering, is blocked with an inhuman amount of shoes strewn around, covering every inch of the floor.

Before he knows it, he’s in the living room, a bit more lived in than their own, and stares at Wonshik’s door. There’s a myriad of reasons in his head telling him that it’s a very bad idea to be here right now, the chances of running into Jaehwan high and—

Since when was he running from Jaehwan?

“Taekwoonie?”

Taekwoon’s neck cracks painfully from the force of turning around so suddenly, and maybe it’s the pain radiating into his skull that disables him— maybe it’s Jaehwan just arriving from the gym. His bag thuds on the floor next to his feet.

He steps closer, and Taekwoon’s legs are rooted in one place as he stares at Jaehwan.

It hasn’t been long since he’s seen the man, but god, it’s been so long since he actually _looked at_ Jaehwan. Taekwoon takes in every detail, savoring the sight, and he feels like he’s just found an oasis after wandering in the desert for days.

Up until now, Taekwoon wandered aimlessly without knowing his destination or the reason. Jaehwan was always there, just on the other side of the hallway, just a message or phone call away, yet for some dumb reason, Taekwoon refused, resisted, for what?

All he’s done was hurt both Jaehwan and himself.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Jaehwan asks— _pleads_ , and Taekwoon’s knees almost buckle under the weight of regret in his guts, and the confusion and misplaced guilt on Jaehwan’s face.

The last thing Jaehwan should feel is guilt.

“If you—just wanted space all this time, you could’ve told me.”

The words that Taekwoon managed to muster up in his stupor quickly disappear from his throat, and his mind is left blank.

“But hyung, it’s been six months—”

Taekwoon doesn’t care that Sanghyuk is there, just a door away from them and hearing every single word they say, he doesn’t care about the possibility of Sanghyuk seeing them, not when the desire to pull Jaehwan into his arms is so overwhelming that Taekwoon lets out an embarrassing sound coiling in his chest.

Jaehwan hugs him back, arms locking behind him automatically.

“I’ve— I’ve been trying to figure out just what the fuck you actually want, but—” Jaehwan heaves, but Taekwoon cuts him off by pulling away the tiniest bit and cupping his cheeks to make Jaehwan look at him. Jaehwan doesn’t release his arms.

“I still want you—” Taekwoon starts, the words spilling out of him, all at once, as if a gate has just opened, “—just… just…”

How the fuck is he supposed to say it?

“Just what?” Jaehwan urges him, his eyes pleading as if they were running out of time quickly, as if they only had a few more seconds before the world ended. Taekwoon continues to look into Jaehwan’s eyes, every blink he has to do a precious moment wasted. The danger Sanghyuk imposes on this moment buzzes in the back of his mind, but Taekwoon can’t bring himself to tear out from Jaehwan’s embrace—

Just like he wrote not too long ago.

But Taekwoon begs to differ.

“Is it too late?” Taekwoon whispers, his stomach rolling.

Jaehwan opens his mouth to answer but Taekwoon sees Wonshik’s door opening behind Jaehwan’s back, so he drops his hands to wrap his arms around Jaehwan’s waist. He leans back a bit, pulling Jaehwan onto his chest.

“Okay hyung, I finally found—” Sanghyuk starts, but stops when he sees the other two hugging in the middle of the living room.

“Ah, Jaehwan-ah, you’re so heavy,” Taekwoon sighs exasperatedly, hoping that his poor acting skills will both fool Sanghyuk and get Jaehwan to play along.

“Can’t help,” Jaehwan replies, putting more weight on Taekwoon than necessary, so Taekwoon has to take a step back to keep himself from falling to the ground. “Hyukkie didn’t come with me, so I had to drag myself back home,” he whines, sending a look at Sanghyuk’s direction.

“You should know when to stop working out!” Sanghyuk retorts, pretending to sound offended as he places a hand over his chest, gestures and facial expression as dramatic as he can make it.

When they leave, Taekwoon hopes that his lingering touches will be just as enough for Jaehwan to feel hope that for him, it’s still not too late.

That it’s up to Jaehwan now.

 

They are after a concert in the Philippines and the thought of the nearing wintertime at home makes the stifling heat of the country even more unbearable, it makes Taekwoon light headed. Even at night it’s impossible to escape, and Taekwoon sweats as he swings his legs in the cool water of the swimming pool, back and forth. He watches the others fool around in the water with the managers and a few staff members they’re closer with.

Immersed in the task of watching the drunker ones intently to make sure they don’t drown, Taekwoon doesn’t notice when someone sits next to him. It’s only when another pair of legs nudges his own, surprising Taekwoon into almost slipping off the edge of the pool.

“If you’re tired, you should go to sleep,” Hakyeon says, following Taekwoon’s example of sloshing the water with his feet. He’s wearing a white shirt, soaked and glued to his torso, and for an innocent moment, Taekwoon wants to ask Hakyeon why he chose the most see-through shirt ever.

“Someone has to make sure the kids don’t drown,” Taekwoon points to the loud crowd at the pool’s shallow end with his chin. There seems to be some kind of clumsy ball game going on. Hakyeon snorts out a laugh.

“Raon hyung and the others will do it. There are only three of them anyway,” Hakyeon points out with a shrug.

“Three?” Taekwoon asks with confusion. He’s sure there‘ve been four members playing in the pool, though he admits that he hasn’t really been paying attention, lost in his own thoughts. Narrowing his eyes, he tries to make out the faces. “Where’s Jaehwan?”

“He’s back in his hotel room,” Hakyeon answers, standing up. Taekwoon looks up at him. “Actually, he sent me for you. He wants to talk.”

“About what?” Taekwoon hates the way his voice goes thinner a bit. Maybe it’s the indication, maybe it’s Hakyeon’s expression.

“I dunno,” Hakyeon shrugs and stretches his arm for Taekwoon to pull him up.

They leave the pool area, Hakyeon throwing a robe on and Taekwoon stepping into his slippers, and cross a short, empty hallway. The elevator ride to their floor is quiet, and Taekwoon is glad that Hakyeon doesn’t talk because his mind is buzzing with scenarios and _what if_ s until the doors open with a ping. The hallway is empty, deserted except for them, and Taekwoon’s heart hammers in his chest.

Is he ready to finally face Jaehwan?

Hakyeon knocks, rapping his knuckles on the surface of the door with a force that has Taekwoon raise his eyebrows, but before he can comment on it, the knob turns and Jaehwan opens the door with a confused look.

If not for Hakyeon pushing him inside, Taekwoon wouldn’t enter at all.

“What’s going on?” Jaehwan asks, blinking at the two of them. His hair is towel dry, sticking up in a way that indicates that he’s been lying on the bed, dressed in his sleeping attire.

“Hakyeon said you wanted to talk to me?” Taekwoon asks back, just as confused. At Jaehwan’s scowl, realization strikes Taekwoon.

The door slams closed as Taekwoon whirls around to look at the oldest one. Hakyeon is leaning against it with his arms crossed over his chest. The message is clear, there’s no way out of the room.

“You two,” Hakyeon begins, tone hard, and a shiver runs through Taekwoon, “need to talk. And you’ll tell me what the fuck is going on,” he presses a finger to Taekwoon’s chest before continuing his explanation.

“I tried to be patient, but I have a feeling that if I don’t do something, you’ll keep waltzing around it until you grow old. And I’m not going to sacrifice everything we’ve worked for just because the two of you can’t figure your shit out.”

Jaehwan looks at Taekwoon, part expectantly, part terrified.

Taekwoon feels small no matter how he’s the tallest out of the three of them. Under those scrutinizing eyes, trying to see into his brain to figure out what’s going on with him, Taekwoon shrinks until he can’t bear with it anymore and slips past Jaehwan to escape deeper into the room.

He stops right at the window where the curtains are drawn away and he can see his own reflection— and the two behind him, staring at his back. It might be a defensive mechanism, Taekwoon doesn’t know.

They hear a deep sigh coming from Hakyeon. “Look, I just— I just want to help, okay?”

Jaehwan scoffs, crossing his arms adamantly. “Fat lot of good that did,” he mumbles under his breath.

“At least I’m doing something,” Hakyeon argues back, and then venomous words are thrown back and forth, and Taekwoon feels like he could crumble to the floor any moment— he’s never been the pacifist type, but none of them liked it when two or more members had a clash in their views.

Arguments were inevitable, happening more often than not, but they’d learnt how to deal with it for the sake of their own good.

It was usually Wonshik or Hongbin and Hakyeon easing the conflicts born from Taekwoon’s fiery temper, Jaehwan’s boisterousness and Sanghyuk’s thirst for power— it was them mending the wounds and bringing the sides together to make a compromise.

Within the bounds of their relationship, Taekwoon and Jaehwan had always managed to solve their problems without outside help, but it’s been a long time since those days— both Taekwoon and Jaehwan have shifted away from each other, and Taekwoon had to realize that no matter how much they tried, the two of them would never be able to align with each other on their own.

He just— didn’t want to bring in anyone, to make it more complicated by adding another set of thoughts and feelings to their equation.

“You! You are the problem,” Jaehwan spits, the first words that pull Taekwoon out of his trance and force him to turn around and pay attention to the chaos between Jaehwan and Hakyeon—

The chaos that is Taekwoon’s fault.

“What?” Hakyeon blinks, taken aback. His mouth hangs open in disbelief and surprise, and not even a minute later, Jaehwan lets his own words sink in— he stops as well, looking as if he’s just done something terrible.

“I—” Jaehwan begins, stuttering, and his eyes flash in Taekwoon’s direction as if to look for help. “He’s… I think, I can’t help but think—” he cuts himself off, and then after a pregnant moment, Jaehwan exhales deeply, his chest deflating as he sinks down onto the edge of the closest bed.

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Jaehwan asks, the genuine curiosity raw in his voice and expression as he stares at Taekwoon.

“What?” Hakyeon blurts out once again, still dumbfounded. He looks between Taekwoon and Jaehwan.

Taekwoon’s hand wraps around the back of the armchair next to him, feeling like his knees are just about to give up.

This should not have happened, this— this is not how it was supposed to go, this is not what Jaehwan was supposed to think— shit.

Shit.

Just how long has Jaehwan been playing with this idea?

This nerve-racking idea of Taekwoon leaving him for Hakyeon, of being lied to when the answer was in plain sight that he could just not see— this—

“I just don’t know what else it could be,” Jaehwan expresses his despair, through his hunched shoulders, the way he spreads his arms— the way he spreads himself bare for Taekwoon for the umpteenth time in Hakyeon’s presence.

“It’s not him or you—” Taekwoon speaks up quietly, but it cut short when Jaehwan grabs a pillow and hurls it at Taekwoon.

“Don’t you dare say it’s you!” he yells, and Hakyeon hisses at him in an attempt to quieten him, but to no avail.

Taekwoon hesitates, stalling the tense moment by picking up the pillow and digging his fingers into it. He’s not sure if he’s ready to say it because saying what’s been swirling in his mind ever since he saw the two together feels like something huge that he will need to take responsibility for, whether it turns out good or destroys everything.

He doesn’t want that, obviously, but it has always been a topic that dominated many of their late night conversations, feeding concerns and fears throughout the years.

Taekwoon wishes he could just keep bottling it all up for the sake of the group, but he knows that he can’t continue dragging Jaehwan and now Hakyeon too further down.

It’s been going on for too long. They’ve gotten lucky that nothing serious has happened so far, but who knows that if they keep going like that, the band will suffer, and Taekwoon won’t allow that to happen. Not after all they’ve put on the line to make this work, the six of them.

The solution is right there, standing in front of him and looking at him with two pair of eyes, curiously, impatiently.

It’s a risky step, but a step that he should have taken months ago.

Jaehwan is insatiable anyway. His chest with a black hole for emotions, he devours everything and anything given to him in a moment, and then he carves for more more more. Taekwoon might be wired differently, but nobody would be able to give Jaehwan what he wants and deserves— no one is strong enough like that.

But now that they have Hakyeon with his drive and a source of energy and care that cannot be depleted, and with Taekwoon’s feelings, it might be just enough to satisfy Jaehwan’s hunger.

And Hakyeon— oh Hakyeon, caring for each and every one of them, wearing his concern for the other members on his sleeves but leading responsibility with an iron fist, he just wants the best for both the team and each of them individually— that’s all he’s ever wanted, to help, to make it easier, his intentions pure and genuine.

Taekwoon should’ve given Hakyeon’s tolerance more credit— but it’s been something so new that Taekwoon had never seen Hakyeon deal with such a thing, he wouldn’t have known how Hakyeon would react.

Taekwoon inhales, heart hammering away in his chest, in his head and against his eardrums, so loudly he can barely hear his own words, months of unnecessary agonizing coming apart at the seams.

“It’s you two. I can’t stop thinking about the two of you.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i will write a sequel of sorts for the smut part i originally planned to include in this but thought it just wouldn't fit the fic.
> 
> so basically the whole fic was about taekwoon figuring out that he's ace (more specifically: autochorissexual) and trying not to lose what he had with jaehwan.


End file.
